I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Randomize
