Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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