You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
