Sry I called you an 8
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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