life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
