I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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