so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
