i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
