I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
