I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I party with great urgency now.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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