I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Randomize
