I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
