I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
