i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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