I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
