he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
