im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
