OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
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