you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
