you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
