drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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