it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Randomize
