u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
