Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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