Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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