I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
