dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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