we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Randomize
