Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
