Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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