They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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