God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
