thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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