Umm I'm too high to move.
I puked a lego.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
