Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
