Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
