I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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