I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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