We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
