If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
