totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
