You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
