God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
