ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
