He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
