So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
