my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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