im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
