My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize