It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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