My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
