i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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