'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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