Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
my liver is dry heaving
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
