i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
