If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
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