She is in my trunk
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
