Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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