So drunk, too bad you don't want this
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
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