New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
