Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Randomize
