He is an equal opportunity slut.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
i need some magic done to my vagina
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
