i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
